My journey to US

The class of “Humanities Literature” is one more example of Marlen’s teaching about human’s life. By now, I have realized that everyone is a hero or inventor/creator of his life. So am I. My life is a novel full of adventures and journeys with me as a protagonist. Here, I would like to describe my US experience as the one of my journeys.
Prior to coming here I have heard various not-newspaper-TV stories about this country. Looking back I see myself having been quite a different person with many stereotypes on life and everything. “I cannot imagine my life here any more,” were the words of my sister which touched the deep of my heart. It was my first stimuli to make this long “journey” to the great United States of America.
As the decision was made, it was only strengthened by the increase of my hunger to find out something new on every aspect of life assuming it will be better than my present one. Used to live for many years in the same place, I suspected that my knowledge of life is lop-sided and the discovery of a new world will guide me to new pleasures and joys unknown before. The idea occupied my mind during several days. “I should try,” said inner voice. Excited and full of emotions, I wandered around my house preoccupied with the thought about possible departure.
The marvelous fantasies collide with the objective reality one day. In my case the objective reality appeared in the form of my boyfriend who did not really share my madness about everything that is new. For a moment I considered a happy prospect of creating a family with him. What can be better than that? Is it not the life that every girl dreams to have with a guy whom she loves? The situation will appear especially acute considering the fact that all marriages in our society are pre-arranged by parents and how, therefore, am I lucky to have a possibility to make my own choice on this matter.
Few months had passed. Once in hot summer nights I had a dream. It was strange and fascinating picture of my trip to US. New environment of unknown events and people around seemed scary and attractive at the same time. The life after that dream seemed as a dream because it did not seem real. I become very critical about my society and culture. It still lives accordingly to medieval understanding of life. In other words, a person is less valued than a community and its customs. It is normal for adult children to live with their parents in a submissive position. My boyfriend had quite the same life in his family what meant I inevitably will have to lead the same mode of life with the same priorities and values. What is worse women in his family used to have a boring idle life of doing nothing apart from housework and gossiping. It was the other side of the coin. This realization presented me my dream and curiosity about something new as a supernatural rescue which influenced my final decision. I knew that choice of leaving home is a refusal of my old life that had many positive sides. I was aware also that just like my sister I will never be the same carefree and happy Shahnoza as before. It did not only concern my boyfriend, but also my friends , relatives, university and all uncommon tricks I had in my life. Since I am very irresolute person, it have been difficult for me to make the decision. The relationship with my lover was over.
My flight has continued for twenty three hours. I was exhausted and tired. I landed in DC. My first word was “what’s the hell am I doing here?” Suddenly feeling of loneliness filled my heart with fear of future. I calmed down by thinking that I would be busy with classes soon. Yet it was a deception of myself.
The “belly of whale” had continued for first two months. Mad mood changed to depression. People around, my classes, my dorm and even my roommate irritated me constantly. Is it the place that I dreamt about? Crazy students, tons of homework every day and people who even had no idea where my country is. Everyone is busy, always running and paying no attention to others. Classmates that would not even greet me upon encountering. All this frustrated me. I could not perceive and accept the new culture and new view on life. They all were weird to me. People who also experienced living in quite a different culture than theirs will probably understand me. Abundance of new ideas about life especially when they are alien and not the best is not an easy process to overcome.
My Road of Trials consisted of several dilemmas: language barrier, homesick and loneliness. Knowing few people and having no friends, my life in US was like a nightmare. I tried to forget about my problems only by making myself busy with homework and classes. I hated Friday nights because next day I would have to observe how other students’ parents came to take them home. I was jealous. It is embarrassing, but I must admit that I have been so jealous that could not understand why these kids are better than me and they got everything and me nothing. I spent Friday nights in the computer lab while others were on parties and enjoyed their college life.
From other perspective the circumstances favored the process of thinking. I meditated every single moment of loneliness. I thought about my past life. I have been only twenty, but I felt myself like forty. The life I was trying to build seemed over. I did not meet a miracle in my “journey” or any other individual who could give me advices at that time. I was lonely and did not let anyone enter my own world.
Though there was one person who helped me to realize myself. It may sound strange, but the person who influenced me much was Marlen. The way he taught his class of College Writing was amazing. It was the only class that I enjoyed as much as possible. I never liked the process of writing, yet his assignments were about personal experience and I enjoyed the process of writing. I wrote about my feelings and my life. By the end of semester, I had an assignment to read all essays written for first semester and answer the question who am I. Looking back at the beginning of semester I realized that I become better acquainted with myself than ever before. Every single assignment was full of stories concerning my family. I recognize how much I love my parents and siblings whose love was taken as granted before. An egoistical attitude to everything around flied away. At last, I perceived the life in the way it is. Now world around did not look so awful. My problem was that I cared only about myself. I waited till people will come and speak to me first. I am the one who should do a first step and make friends. If I wish to be happy, I am the only one who can try to do that. I cannot forget his words that changed me so much: “You are much better than you think of yourself.” They gave me strength to believe in myself and to understand the value of presence of people who love me. From that time I began to be more social and more frequently call my parents just to say how much I love them.
I made many friends and Friday nights are amazing now. “People will not care about me till I will not care about them and always value the love that is given by others,” I said to myself.
I guess apotheosis of my journey is achieved by today. US made me different. This place is strikingly interesting. I like the way I live. I was not able to appreciate the value of freedom in people’s life before. At present, every aspect of my life is changed. People should only take easier the culture of others.
At the same time, I am not very much excited to share the knowledge I gained with people around. My ultimate boom is closely related with my friends and relatives. I would not say that I became altruistic as heroes in adventurous movies, but I appreciate more the value of love people gave me.
It is time to go back. There are only two months left in US for me. Right now I have no wish to return. It would be hard to live in my country again. The way I used to live here and the knowledge that I gained would never allow me to perceive the prejudices of my society as right ones again. Probably even my parents will not understand me. I have no wish to marry any guy right now. I wish to graduate from college and get an excellent education. My “new-fangled” goals will be considered as the inappropriate for a girl of my age who must marry and have a bunch of kids. I want very much to see my family and friends, however, in doubt about my future life at home. My journey is still in progress. I am sure it will be filled with many events for the remaining two months. Probably they will influence the way what will I will choose afterwards.:)